Women in Skirts

Today was my daughter's first field trip. The Pre-K and Kindergarten classes at our school go to the pumpkin patch every year. This is not a pile of pumpkins in a church parking lot. This a huge place in the country with a petting zoo, corn maze, hayrides, piles of hay to play on, and a snack bar (well, a microwave and a few packages of hotdogs inside a tool shed). It is a full "day in the country" and our entire family looks forward to it every year.



Two of my children have shared classes with children from a "dress only" family. This is very odd in a public school. Most "dress only" people do not attend public schools. This family seems to be very nice, and they have two little girls. The girls go to school every day in modern looking skirts and dresses, and really don't stand out that much from their peers. If anything about their appearance sets them apart, it is not the skirts but the gigantic bows they wear every day. Each child has a perfectly crafted bow to match each outfit, and each bow is larger than the girl's head. I am not making fun, just sayin' that the skirts aren't anything to make a fuss about.



Because two of my kids have classes with these girls, I have seen their mother at almost every field trip or class party I have attended. She is different, and you know it from the moment you see her. Now, from what I know about her, she is very nice, very classy, and not stuck up at all. This is good, because I can't say the same things about most dress-only people I know. This woman manages to make it through every day in full Southern belle attire. (Well, I don't see her on weekends, but I do see her most days picking the kids up from school.) Today, she was wearing pumps, black pantyhose, a long dressy skirt, a blouse, a floral print jacket, full jewelry and had her hair done up like she was getting married at two o'clock and just stopped by to grab pumpkins for her bridesmaids on the way to the church. I do not exaggerate. Well, I do exaggerate, but I am not doing so now -- I promise. I, on the other hand, was wearing jeans, crocks and a T-shirt, and I was still pining for my jammies and flip-flops.



There was a point during the day when both our children were playing on the same tree, and I spent some time sharing a hay-bale circle with this woman. It should have given me time to make a new friend, but I was already tired, so instead, I watched her and wondered how she managed to make it through the day and still keep it all together. Then it came to me -- it must be a combination of talent and desire. Some women are born put together and seem to stay that way all of the time. That is a God-given talent, and it is one I do not possess. Some women have a desire to be as feminine as possible at all times, making men swoon and rush in to save them when they need saving. This, also, is not a trait of mine.



I had about five children before I figured out that I kinda' like being a girl. Even after that, I still prefer jeans over skirts, I can't stand make-up, and I'd rather change a tire than get my hair done. That is the desire part of the equation -- I just don't have the desire for excess femininity. Now, I am not a feminist by any means -- I still see a difference between men and women and no matter how many pairs of pants I wear, I still don't want to plunge the toilet. I think that some people may be called to wear skirts all of the time, and I am not one of them at this point in my life.



If I had worn that woman's outfit to the pumpkin patch, it would have gone horribly wrong for me. Let's start with the hair. I can't even get my hair up like that in the first place. If I had, it would have fallen out before we got out of the car. As it was, I washed and combed my hair before we left and pulled it back into a ponytail/headband combo to keep it from blowing around in the wind. This is not flattering, but doesn't draw unwanted attention, either. Fast forward to the end of the trip -- I get back in the car, check the mirror, and see that the hair behind the headband has all come out of place, blown dry in the wind, and it making a sideways mohawk across the top of my head. See? Can you imagine what wedding hair would have looked like on me? That woman has talent.



Moving on to the jewelry -- I actually love jewelry, but I seldom wear it, because my kids like it, too. It tends to break. The last time I wore a necklace, they broke it within an hour. If I tried to wear three necklaces, giant earrings, and bracelets and rings on both hands, I would have a kid hanging from each necklace, a migraine from the earrings, and the only ring not lost would be the one that is so tight I have to use butter to get it off my finger. And I can't wear bracelets without either the noise or the feeling I'm wearing handcuffs driving me crazy. It takes talent to wear that much jewelry gracefully, and I was not born with that talent.



Had I tried to wear the same floral jacket, it would have become a pillow, a blanket, a parachute, and a towel by the end of the day. That is why I stick to hoodies. Blouses are great, but when I am lifting kids in and out of the car, or finding them in a pile of hay at the pumpkin patch, I can't seem to keep them tucked in. Skirts require no introduction for anyone untalented like me. If the wind blows, forget staying modest. If you have five children who still cannot buckle a seatbelt, if you have to change a diaper without a changing table, if you have to climb onto the back of a trailer, if you have to do anything that doesn't require sitting nicely with your hands in your lap, skirts just don't keep you covered -- unless you have the talent. Do I even need to say what the pantyhose would have looked like at the end of my day? I think not. And heels would have been sunk into the mud until they finally broke off, leaving me walking sideways and falling over every ten minutes, untucking my blouse, tugging at my skirt, exposing ragged pantyhose and ripping my wedding hair out of the pins. After one hour, I would be screaming in the middle of a corn maze with mascara running down my cheeks as my brain comes oozing out of my ears from the insanity of it all, and seriously, why scare the schoolchildren like that? Let me wear my pants and we'll all get along just fine.



In conclusion, some women have talent and desire to wear skirts full-time, but I am not one of them. I am ok with that. Some people wear skirts and attract knights in shining armor with no effort whatsoever, and I wear jeans and have a beer with the knights, then con them into plunging the toilet. It works.